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05:42am 02/06/2003
 
mood: apathetic
music: Some random Sum 41 song in my head.
So I'm online randomly seraching for Suicide links, and I happen across these two certain ones with an info running along the liens of, "Want life to end..." blah blah blah... "easy and painless ways to commit suicide. Death is the only answer!"

Well, I was bored so I entered the site. And what was it?

A Christian site. Telling me to repent, and that Jesus has already forgiven me. The best way to commit suicide is to leave my past life behind me.

Alright... all I can think about is, what fucking CRAP!

What is IT with these christians? Must they make sites thinking of traping people like me into entering then saying all this bullshit in an attempt to change me?

Listen here, THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD! HE'S NOT COMING! GET USE TO IT!

There are so many fucking holes in the Christian belief system. It just makes me sick.

Moving on.


I have this huge friggen headache. I just want to get rid of it. I have this disease where I get all these migranes, and if I don't take me medicine for it I get very sick, throw up, be in a lot of pain, get dizzy and eventually pass out.

So why aren't I taking my medicine?

Because my fucking mother won't call the fucking doctor to order more. We ran out... oh, I'd say... about three months ago.

Yeah, and I've been so friggen sick because of it.

Usually when it gets bad I take four of these red pills on the counter, and it goes away in a matter of hours. But my mother moved them the other day, and it isn't like I can just go up to her and ask, "Hey ma, where are those red perscription pills of yours?
Why do you ask?
Oh, I take four of them about every other day.
What? I should only take two a day?
And they're *dangerous* for me?

You don't say.

Well, where are they again?"

That would go over real well.

My parents are so fucking clueless. It's not like I hide what I do.

Hell, last time I sliced my wrist I didn't even close my door. No one noticed.

I dunno, I guess some people could make the argument that I only do what I do because I want attention. I'm not sure of that though.

I mean, doing this stuff to my body kinda makes me feel better. It acts like a comfort thing to me. I know that when I'm slicing open my skin I'm not thinking about my shitty day, or my worthless life.

I just love watching the blood run down my legs and arms, it has a calming effect. Even when it gets out of hand, and the blood won't stop and I'm starting to think its finally all over. I'm not worrying about my English finals or my crappy Chorale situation, it just takes all this weight off of me... even if it IS for a few moments.

And the scars and the cuts. I'm sure some people think they're disgusting and ugly. I don't.

I love them. They're fucking amazing.

I take enjoyment out of running my hands up and down the ridges in my flesh, it just gives me a sense of joy and pride.

Especially when they're deep. I love showing them to my friends, and them saying, "Thats fucking deep" or just getting positive feedback in general.

Hell, I'd probably wouldn't mind negative feedback either.

That's how great it is.

Alright enough writing, I need some pills.

Oh, I smoked some pot the other night. It felt so damn good. I did it with a few friends while a fucking christian song was on in the background. Damn Fuse.

We burned a hole in my mattress.		  
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03:26am 02/06/2003
  I'm not really into online quizes. I believe they are foolish and a waste of my time. But, I recently came across one that made me take it. So here it is,

my method of suicide: overdose.

how would you commit suicide?


Interesting, eh?		  
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06:41am 29/05/2003
 
mood: cynical
music: The screams in my head
SENSES FAIL


"One Eight Seven"

It's so nice sitting very still,
in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.
Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive
Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.
Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take a seat right next to me
Well I should've known that you were a killer.
But now I'm dead.

A gaping hole, shot through my heart
A lost connection from your poison dart
Shot from your tounge to end my life.
You're blowing at the fire to light your strife.

You'll never know.
The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.

A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold.

You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you.
But now I'm insane.













So How I got kicked out of Chorale?

Well... The bitch hates me. My mother didn't know the woman was in hearing range when she said a few... choice words about the teachers weight...

And I'm mucking up the class because I'm diferent. I refuse to bend to her guidelines about dressing in so called, "Prep" clothes for concerts and such.

The spring concert is tommorow. I don't want to go. But I have to.

It sucks. I want to get drunk. And fool around with some people.



Last saturday, I was pissed. Just basically practising Teen angst. And I cut myself as usually. But... I wasn't thinking and forgot I was using a new blade.

I went a little too far, I guess.

And I thought I was going to die. As stupid as it sounds, I seriously thought so. I could NOT stop the bleeding. Even a while after, the blood flow wasn't stopping.

All it resulted in was a blood soaked towel. And I wasn't about to ask for help.

I was oddly calm about it. I just sat down and and filled my blood journal. A whole page is caked in fresh blood. With the words, "I almost lost it there..." written in the margin. Its beautiful.

God I love that thing.

So I went to guidence today and talked to the bitch teacher and my counsler, nothing new occured. Just the same shit. She told me I was too "Stand offish"

....? Alright...?

Afterwrads, I was a little... upset...

So I headed to the nearest bathroom pulled out my handy little razor and sliced my leg up a bit. Felt so good.

That's when the health teacher came in.

Naw, she didn't catch me. But she thought I was a little... stressed...

So she pulled me up to her room and made me do this relaxation exercise. Talking about hormones and migranes and GOD. Fucking GOD.

Listen lady, I'm not a christian. No where fucking near it.

I'm CELTIC. No hell, no devil, no "God" no christian morals. I don't want to hear about your "Values" and how good your stupid fucking god is.

He is not mine.


Then she talked about love. How I should surround myself with love.

Alright, I cut myself, got drunk and fool aorund with both guys and GIRLS on a regular basis. Surrounding myself with love... is not in my top ten things to do. Sorry.

So there I am up in her cheery room, doing meditation... with blood dripping down my leg.

It was a great first class.


Someone just fucking kill me.

I'm now addicted to the show "Digrassi" on Noggin.

Well, I've been working on this... thing. I wnat to better keep my emotions in check.

For example, when I get upset its very easy to make me cry. I don't like that. I don't want people believing they hold some sort of power over me.

So when I get upset I've tried a few things.

1. Replacing the hurt with anger
2. Sending out negative karma
3. Picureing my insides BURNING with rage
4. Locking the feelings deep inside myself
5. Chanting a simple spell over and over in my head
6. Calling upon my element-Air
7. Trying to feel my heart icing over
8. Taking deep breaths, while picturing gliding a sharp razor over my wrist and watching the blood run down my hand, onto my fingers and then on the floor.


Nothing really has worked yet. I'm still trying though. My new goal... this is really fucking stupid, and I'm sort of... I don't know... emabarrased to say this, but trying to be...

nevermind.

My mothers gay lover is coming soon.






To kill the whitest looking dove
To hate everything I love
And I'm trying to pretend
Oh in wanting life to end
That I am not another stupid
Little teenage fucking whore

And now I know
And we will see

To take this handgun to my eyes
And watch my cells start to rise
The flesh now starts to break as the
Bullet enters like a snake
Through one side of my head
And out the other one

And I'm too scared to live tonight
And I'm too bare to shed my plight

And I'm too scared to live tonight
Too bare to shed my plight
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
Watch the bones rip through my flesh
A catharsis of my own distress
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not)

And now I know
And we will see		  
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05:41am 28/05/2003
  Well...

Nothing new.

Kicked out of chorale. So there goes my senior year pretty much. Damn fucking teacher.

She said if I wanted to continue singing I could join Glee club or Mixed chorous.

Heres the rank of worst to best in singing classes:
Mixed chorous- freshmen
Glee Club- All girls, and rejects who didn't make it into Chorale.
Chorale- I've been in for two years now, audition only.

Yeah, so it sucks. A lot.

And I wanna get drunk. Real bad.

REALLY BAD.

Life just sucks.		  
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07:29am 13/05/2003
 
mood: discontent
music: Operation Ivy
I was looking for a "Pro-Suicide" site, when I found this webpage.
http://www.insecurities.org/leena/boxed/doyou.html

Very interesting.

In the section called "Fallacies"

I found something entitled "Suicide"

It caught my attention nonetheless, and I was amazed at how alike it was to my own situation. So I'm posting it here.

I did NOT write this, the girl who made the site did. The links up there, and heres the personal link to this section:

http://www.insecurities.org/leena/boxed/death.html

So heres HER piece of writing, which I'm posting up here-since well... it explains me so well.

Thank you to the person who wrote this, you are making this much easier to explain.
And you are wonderful.
---

My mother whined today that I should go to see a doctor about my insomnia. I refused once again and she asked why. I was so tired that I almost told her the truth.

And what is the truth?

I won't go to see a doctor because doctor would give me sleeping pills. And I don't want sleeping pills. You know why?

Because the minute I'd get sleeping pills on my hands I'd lose control and instead of taking one of them I'd take them all. No matter what pills they were, no matter how much I had them. I'd have to get away, at least try to get away. Perhaps it'd work this time.

I know this because every now and then I stop by the medicin cabinet and stare at the pills there.

And I know this because whenever I think of sleeping pills I want to, I need to swallow as much of them I can possibly have.

I was wrong when I once said I'd be a drug addict if given the chance. I'd be dead because drugs would give me another chance.

It's like whenever someone mentions rope, in whatever context, I immediately first think about killing myself with it. It's the first thought that enters my head, me hanging on a rope, dead.

Death is almost like an obsession. It's a craving.
Perhaps I'd do wisely if I gave in to that craving. Perhaps it'd be better that way.


---



This is the best site, I've ever found.

http://www.insecurities.org/leena/boxed/doyou.html		  
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06:59am 13/05/2003
 
mood: contemplative
music: Silverchair-Anthem For The Year 2000
My fathers interent girlfriend is coming over for the week.

And Yes, My parents are still together.

And Yes, My mother lives at home with us.

And yes, My father moved into the camper behind out house.

And yes, The new mistress doesn't know about myself and my twin sis.

My mother equals my fathers "Half-sister" and Jess and I are HER daughters.

We have to call my father "Luke".

And Yes, My fathers real name is Tom NOT fucking Luke.

Oh yes, My mother DID quite her CNA job today.

How long did she have it for?

Let me think... seven years?

Oh, of course.

My arm is on fire. I'm going to have so many pretty new scars...




"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
'Cuz it hurst when you disapprove all doing

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand		  
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Yeah yeah...   
09:57am 11/05/2003
  Ever feel like... love could kill?

FUCK YOU DAN! FUCK YOU KELLY! FUCK YOU WHITNEY!


Evanescence - My Immortal


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]		  
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Another Anthem   
06:34am 10/05/2003
  this is the first time that i've ever told the truth before
to scrutinize what we call fate
belief in more of what's been forced into subconscious's
hold my breath, hope to refrain
[Chorus]
is love an infection or a sick addiction
when there's nowhere left to run to
is love an infection or a sick addiction
when there's nowhere left, this crush is broken
[Chorus]
her empty needle is my unsharpened sword
i stab, i stab, i stab, but i can't puncture
don't wanna let it, don't wanna feel it
don't wanna hear it, don't even wanna think about it
hold my breath , hope to refrain
[Chorus]


and if i can't afford her my veins begin to ache
i don't wanna feel this pain no more
have you ever felt so high that when you came down
you broke inside
i know she won't take the blame


[Chorus]
you love me, you rip my heart out
you've broken me for to long now		  
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Entry?   
05:36am 10/05/2003
  Ever wish you could just pull the trigger? And get it over with?

Artist: Silverchair
Album: Frogstomp
Title: Suicidal Dream



I dream about how it's going to end
Approaching me quickly
Leaving a life of fear
I only want my mind to be clear
People making fun of me
For no reason but jealousy
I fantasise about my death
I'll kill myself from holding my breath
My suicidal dream
Voices telling me what to do
My suicidal dream
I'm sure you will get yours too

Help me comfort me
Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now,
The rope is here,
Now I'll find a use,
I'll kill myself,
I'll put my head in a noose,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do,
My suicidal dream,
I'm sure you will get yours too,

Dreamin' about my death, dream,
Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream,
I'm suicidal,
Suicidal dream,


I'm a freak.		  
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anguishedmoans
 
 

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